Category: Brownness

As someone who has been on a kick of enjoying each day as it comes, as moments to be enjoyed in the present, today seems especially intent on kicking my ass. Rushing to work to do paperwork for a new hire, I managed to unhire that person in about 5 minutes, received a resignation letter from a new hire), realized that the last 2 short stories that I submitted to my critique group are utter shit, and felt sluggish and fat.  for not working out for 7 days (my jeans ripping a huge hole when I sat in my car did not help at all)
For a giant, anxiety choking moment, I felt like a true failure. I berated myself for not doing my job well, for pretending to be a writer, and becoming an obese slob. Oh how I ranted and lashed out at myself for not doing all that I was meant to be, and then I piled on for not doing Anki and Lumosity for severals weeks, and then the moment expanded to 10 minutes of pure self-pity. There was so much I was not doing, and not getting to, or letting it slide by. On and on it went, until I took a deep breath, and said stop. Enough.

A mini meditation for a minute brought me back to the present, to the now. Not to what I was not going but what I was. I was alive, breathing, still married to a beautiful soul, had the luxury of time to sulk, could delete/edit the words, could learn, had amazing friends and people in my life who filled me with such joy and thankfulness that I had to smile at that lousy moment. So instead of it becoming a hellish Monday, it just became a blip of regret. I still had the rest of the day.

And at the end, that’s all that matters.

Another beautiful morning in Southern California. So much so that many around me don’t even comment anymore that it’s 70 degrees already around 8am. We just take it for granted. Which led me to thinking that I accept a lot of things in my life with no comment. I spend so much time doing that I often miss the reason why I am doing something. For me, it’s easier to focus on a task rather than the reasons for it.  I think it’s because I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed.  Take ,for instance, my writing. I managed to finish my first 5000 word short story, and I was so excited that I sent it out to a few friends as well as my critique group without proof reading for typos and grammar.  Which would be fine except I have been working on the piece for over a month, and in my quest to get to 5000 words I overlooked the basic idea. I don’t want my readers to get bogged down with silly mistakes, but challenge me to improve on what I am writing. And so far everyone has done that, but as a writer I feel like I failed them because it should not be hard for a reader to see where you are going.

Several of them asked me some basic questions about the characters and motivations that should have been answered immediately but instead were lost because I failed to take a step back and read the entire story to ensure continuity. I got lost in the jungle of counting words rather than ensuring that story had a cohesive whole.  Don’t get me wrong. I am so glad to have people who are willing to take the time to go read for me, yet I also feel that I should have been fairer to them and not made their job harder by not doing my homework. This has been something of a constant struggle in my life. I get lost in tasks, and it is why I have added meditation to my day to be remind myself to be more mindful, to be present, to take a moment and look at the big picture. Frankly, it has been slow going, but you know what, that’s fine.

I am forever pushing myself, and am truly grateful for the ones in my life who help me along. My life is like 5000 words.  It’s not the amount that matters, it’s the story it tells.