Category: Brownness

Brownness

Left Behind

Sanjay Sabarwal

maxresdefaultThe past few days have been a whirl. I came back from MITT, (Miitraining.com) with swirling thoughts and desires, and the realization that I have lots of work to do emotionally. I went in expecting not much, and came back with a desire to love the world. It’s a feeling I had before in High School and College, and to some extent in law school, but now its come back renewed. I believe that if I am not improving myself, I am stagnating. If I am not moving, I am drowning.  Too often, I made excuses NOT to do something when instead when I was younger, my response was always yes. I don’t know when I changed. I don’t know when I left the old me behind. I miss him. The one who dove in. The one who took on challenges. The one who loved unconditionally. The one who knew what other needed or desired and worked on getting it for them. Do I  miss all of me? No. There is a lot of me I am glad is no longer there, but in the process I also lost some precious things so I commit to working on those. I need me. To those this all sounds like some mushy gooey “we are the world” type shit, I say so what? What does it matter as I long as I believe in it.

This past week. I watched others with new lenses, and in some, I saw how much pain I had caused them or was causing. It’s a wake up call. I can no longer afford to just complain or whine about how life is. It is my creation, and today I choose to create a better me.  I am scared shitless, but I also know if I don’t dive in, the old me will be lost forever, and that is not something I am willing to accept. I am a writer. I am a family man. I am in shape. I have great relationships with loved ones. That is my vision, and the old me could handle all that, so back to it I go.

Wish me progress, no wish me to be the way I used to be.

Brownness

The Walk

Sanjay Sabarwal

DogWalkingSlightly gloomy morning. Eyes open automatically. Bella’s licks me upon seeing me. Time for her walk. For her, our morning routine is paramount. The WALK.  Nothing else matters to her at the moment. I envy that dedication. She won’t leave me alone until finally I grab the leash. Her palatable excitement at seeing me grab that thing always makes me smile. Most days, she will bite at the lease, as if to say “come on, come on.”  This walk is our time. The route is usually the same. I see the same houses, she pauses at the same grass to sniff, then hover over the grass and squeeze a few drops of pee.  A daily routine that would be boring to others, but for me, that time is MY time with Bella. The rest of the time she is my wifes.

I dont know when I decided to start walking Bella. It kinda grew out of concern that she wasn’t getting much exercise. I never realized how much would I enjoy this morning time. It became the time I got to watch her revel in what the day offered. As I prayed, I also found a sense that this just felt right. It fit. Are there days that I think I probably look ridiculous walking a white maltipoo in sweat pants and earphones on? Yes. Do I care? No. It’s become a time for me reflect about the prior day, relive conversations or think about my writing all the while taking in Bella’s utter happiness of being outside. We both do our own thing, but somehow it’s a shared experience. We both get something out of it, a pleasant surprise. One of the new times, I am not trying to achieve something, just being.

The best part is always at the end when I let her off the leash. She runs around in circles on our lawn, running so fast that it looks like hopping. She truly reminds me of rabbit at that moment. She runs a few times, looks at, dares me to chase her and when I do, she rushes back home, each step a bounce. Hers or mine? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter, the walk worked for both of us.

Brownness

Being Present

Sanjay Sabarwal

IMG_2839And so a new week begins. A chance to start over, or continuing doing the same. There is so much to do, or if I am being totally honest, just choices. I can choose to do them all or none. It’s a daily struggle as so much to be seen as tasks. It’s tempting to see so many things as have-to’s when in reality there are just I want-to-do’s.  The Sea Change Programs reminds me to be mindful.  Be present. Be here.  Not lost in thought or planning ahead or looking behind. Month 2 of Facebook fasting has begun, but there have been some slips here and there. Because I have not deactivated my account, I still receive notifications, and the urge to check is immense. But as Leo Bautista taught, I stay with the urge, I let it build up and then I let it go. It feels facetious to tell people that I am not on Facebook because it’s something I am doing for myself. Just like I signed up for Nanowrimo, but the part in me that needs acknowledgement is always hungry. Always needs to be fed. If it’s not shared, then it doesn’t exist.

I am still surprised that I influence others because most of the time what I am doing seems so solitary, so alone as if I am just here with  my thoughts. Writing and working out and really anything that involves just you is an individual task, but that doesn’t mean it has to be done alone. I see the contradiction as I write it, but then it hits me. There is no reason to go at it alone. It may seem like that you are doing it all by yourself, but others are there. You just have to be mindful enough to know that. Be present. Be here. One thing at a time. One choice at a time.

Brownness

Dreaming Awake

Sanjay Sabarwal

So begins another week. Another Monday. I struggled waking up this morning.  No alarm, but the phone showed 7:27 am when I looked at it.  I closed my eyes for a few delicious seconds, and almost drifted off, but then the  thought broke through that the mornings were the only time I had to write. If I want to write a novel in 30 days for Nanowrimo, I better get used to a routine of sorts. So I sit in the library, the windows open, the daylight pouring over the laptop, the smell of the hot coffee swimming near my senses, awakening me. I feel like a writer. I have all the tools. Except for one small one. The words. Those pesky letter that i can litter on a blank piece of paper so I can actually stop feeling like a fraud. That can make this more than a dream. A writer.

So I sit there, noticing everything yet avoiding looking at the blank screen of me. The cursor blinks patiently. It disappears and then appears. Waiting. I yawn, scratch myself, take a sip of the coffee, and promptly go on Twitter or play Words with Friends. Minutes pas. The timer counts down. Suddenly, a thought. I lean over the laptop, pausing uncertainly but then the first words appears. The clicks of the keyboard motivate to keep going. They may not be Rembrandt or Hemingway, but it’s a start. I am awake. The dream is in front of me.

Brownness

Life Happens

Sanjay Sabarwal

motivational-quotes-page-101Two days before Jassi Sidhu. Three days before my Spartan race. Been training for months, and of course I wake up on Monday with a tickle in my throat. First reaction, “oh shit, what about the party and the race?” but then took a deep breath, and realized how wonderful  the past weekend had been, the smile on my beautiful wife, and the happiness I felt as we watched our Reception video. In that moment, nothing mattered. I felt full. All was well. It struck me that I used to hate running with a passion, and would have constant anxiety as I did an event, but now I get antsy if I don’t run regularly, and I am just looking forward to the event.

It’s because I looked at the reason why I signed up for these things. The point was to have fun.  I am in a position in life where I can dabble in things, and while the younger me took things way too seriously, I now know what’s more important. Do I lose sight of that sometimes? Yes. Actually, more often than I care to admit. It’s too easy to focus on the past and the future. In fact, I think most of are so focused on that, we don’t see the present. I mean for a second, I thought about it. So what I have a cold or the flu?  I miss the race. Big deal.  What if the party is a flop?  Well, lets see my friend Jassi is coming and so are my other good friends Sandeep Kumar and Dhol Nation,  and my best friend my wife, and you know what, I will just have to dance my butt off. Not a shabby way to spend a Friday night.

We all have a choice each moment. Accept it or fight it. You just gotta know which battles to pick. Enjoying what I have now.

Brownness

Running Shadow

Sanjay Sabarwal

running-shadowI never expected to like running. Most times, I still dread it. Yet when I am puffing along, each time a reminder that I am too old for this shit, I see my shadow in front of me, seeming to say, “keep moving. You got this, man.  One step at a time.” As I run, the thoughts inside run along as well, from wondering about my next story to my next event to ideas for date night. The run has becoming my time to be present even though I am lost in thought. It is a time to reconnect with all that is going underneath. It still strikes me as surreal that 2 years ago, I was recovering from brain surgery.  What a difference, the idea of losing your mind, makes.

So I run with the shadow in front of me, pushing me, goading me, getting me to go oh just a bit farther and faster.  To get to the next milestone (12 miles, baby), to be better than I was before. To do more things. Think more ideas. Have more ideals. Change more. Stay certain. The thump of the shoes on the pavement a reminder of how far I have come, and the running shadow in front of me pushing me to keep going.

Run, Sanjay, Run.