Category: Brownness

“How was your weekend? ” My crossfit coach asked this morning. I just smiled, and replied “Good.” A simple word, but truth be told it was way more than that. This weekend I laughed till my stomach hurt, worked out till I was sore, ate and drank too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I spent time with family, friends. Each night brought new ways to connect with others/ And it hit me that I live a blessed life, one that I am grateful.

It wasn’t always that way. I spent entirely too much time lamenting what I did not have when in reality I was rich beyond measure.  This weekend is the life that I wished for, but the reality is that I have these before. The difference was that I just did not see them in this light. To me, this was normal. Hanging out with family, friends, laughing, doing nothing but just hanging out at home sounded boring. Yet it has never been. I just thought that I was doing it wrong. Living life that is when all along not only was I lucky, I was given so many amazing people to meet.

So yeah, I had a good weekend, but really I had more than that.

This weekend, I got to spend time with some great friends. The best part? They were unexpected events which made them even better. It cannot be a coincidence as I made a commitment to my accountability buddy that I would make connections with others and not be a social island where only I know what’s going on in my head and heart. It takes intention and goal setting to get to be the person that you wish to be. I also learned that intentions can also be affirmations that once put out there make things happen.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting magic or some Universe kind of stuff. Just that when we put out concrete intentions, stuff starts to happen. And I learn and relearn this lesson because I don’t remember that it’s so much easier to complain and not do anything about it. It’s nicer to just feel helpless rather than take responsibility.  It sucks to be an adult sometimes because no more can I feel sorry for myself. No longer can I say life is unfair. No more can I be an island because guess what? Only I can choose to be an island. The excuses get to stop. I get to connect. I get to seek support. I get to love and be there for others.

So I continue with intentions to connect, to love, to be there for others, and best of all, let my loved ones know how I feel about them.

The words come slowly, but they are there. Each morning for the past two weeks, I sit and struggle over my latest story. It’s a bit unnerving as I don’t know what is going to come next. I literally have no idea until I sit down and type. It’s hard not to keep saying “it sucks” or “this doesn’t make sense” or worse “you don’t know what they you are doing.” But I keep going. At first, the words came slowly, each time I sat there my hands paused over the keyboard with nothing to say except think that I am not a writer, but then slowly the words came out. They weren’t perfect, and I hated most of them, but I kept going. That’s the thing about writing, there is a lot of crap that has come out. Think of it as a mental flushing that has to occur so the shit go can go away and the real gems can come out (pun intended).

More important is just making the words automatic, the habit part of who I am. It is the one thing that I regret. I don’t write enough. I make so many excuses but ultimately it comes down to fear. I get to be automatic so the words can too.

It has been a surreal week as I visit my studios, miss the wife, accept the Spartan race is this coming Saturday and get my butt kicked at crossfit. Why surreal? Because I still feel I am not doing enough. I am not present. I am all over the place. I am not writing. I am not being a good husband, friend, brother, son. The list goes on and on. And for a moment, I felt as if I am drowning, and then I take a breath. I start my days with meditation and ground myself.

I am enough. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I cannot control life. I will let people down. I am not defined by my past. Only the present matters.

Each step I take is one towards betterment. Each moment an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are lessons. It is easier to beat myself up then take credit for things. This week, I also decided to not take up a volunteer opportunity because I keep distracting myself. What I get to do is simplify. I get to be there for the ones that matter especially my partner. I get to be present. I get to stop avoiding. I see now that too often I am quick to jump on things and even though noble, they allow me distractions rather than me facing the difficult things in life. I also need to stop enabling, stop the toxicity. I get to take responsibility.  I get to not drown.

Soreness rules my body. In fact, this year the only time I managed to not to be sore is when I battled a cold for two weeks. This pain is good. It tells me that I am growing. It’s uncomfortable which means I am not content being in a comfort zone. I push myself so I can be a better Sanjay. Last week, I chose to start doing crossfit twice a day and then run hills on Saturday. Why? Because I want to do the Spartan race in which I handle all the obstacles. I am no longer content skipping areas. I am no longer OK with not even trying. I have done that for too long in my life, and the results are that I am not growing in certain areas. By being risk averse, I avoided learning, becoming better at the difficult things in life. Every day, I also struggle with writing. It’s the one thing on my mind after my wife. Both of them, I want to get better at being with. So each morning, I sit and I visualize what I would like to make better in my marriage and writing.

It doesn’t stop there. I do all this not for anyone but for myself. Pain is good. It tells me when I have gone further than what my body can handle. And you know what? That’s OK.

My eyes opened today to new possibilities,  new chances, a new day. Outside, muffled chirps begin the soundtrack of the day. I look outside to see gloom settled across the day, but something shifts. No longer does that gloom convey sadness or yet another Monday. It represents that each dark day does get lighter, it does shine. I cannot stop smiling over the powerful weekend that I had where I managed to get so much done for my life. It was not just another Saturday and Sunday lost into “what will I do now” or “how I can spend the time doing nothing.”  It was a weekend of possibility, one that i took on.

I don’t meant to speak in riddles. I cannot stop smiling. Over the weekend, I reconnected with some beautiful souls, got great inspiration and got some quality time with friends, and family and found myself doing things that I have never done before. I got out of my comfort zone while also deepening the relationships that matter to me. At this moment, I know I did it all, and I am truly grateful for the chance I received.  So yes its Monday and while the old me dreaded this day, the new me loves it. A new week, a new chance to do something other than just pass the hours. Too often, we get lost in our thoughts not seeing the beautiful present that today brings.

So today I celebrate you Monday.  You are unique, never to come around after today. So today I will honor you by working on my vision rather than wasting it away.  Happy Monday!