Category: Brownness

In this morning quiet, it struck me that silence permeates my personality lately. While that’s good in being a lawyer, it’s not so great in personal relationships. That balance between oversharing, feeling unsafe, and being afraid of feeling let down trap me into silence’s submission. Yet that is not a great to live. There are so many who have offered, yet I forge on in silence even though most days, there is so much that wants to come out, I am afraid I will drown loved ones in words.

Yet there is a loosening of words. It’s not easy. It feels whiny, as if I am begging for self-pity, and its hits me that my discomfort about vulnerability confuses me. It makes me afraid to share my thoughts and feelings. Yet I also realize that my continual silence does come out in ways I am ashamed. Anger, irritability, general lack of empathy are my new friends because the grief has a choke hold on me. It feels repetitive as if I will bore others with my emotions, yet it needs to come out because it is the only way I can move forward.

So no more silence even if it kills me.

Another week where I pretend that life is back to normal, yet it’s clear it’s permanently changed. Each day I tell myself that it’s OK, that I should be glad for the time I had with him. Yet that deep emptiness won’t go away. Each day, I wake up and for those first few seconds, it feels like just before until the realization hits. I almost wish I didn’t have the words because it doesn’t feel like it eases the pain or makes me feel better. All it appears to do is inform the others as to my state of mind.

There are good moments, loved ones who do manage to make me laugh or ease the pain, but it’s always there. An undercurrent of pain and sadness that courses through my veins, but I do know that the words need to come out. I wish there was a way to get to the part where thinking of him didn’t hurt so much. Old images come up, then others, I am trapped in this position that I don’t know how to change or even if I want to.

So back to work I go, back to the routine of the gym, writing, meditating, smiling, laughing, reading and other things that felt normal three weeks, but now are tinged with the realization that there has been a permanent shift. I search music to find the words because the heart feels empty, but then I hear him in the head not liking all this dramebaazi. Enough he would say. I left laughing, and content which is true. He lived a full life, yet it does not lessen the pain.

So I carry on, pain and grief coursing, starting a new day with the believe that this too shall pass. Honoring his wishes, I begin this day and hold my loved ones just a bit tighter, a little longer, and know that this too is part of life.

As I sit in the sunny London (never thought I would say that), I am grateful for the laugh filled moments that I have had so far. There is a bit of tug in my heart to head home (in 2 days) yet more than it is with some awe that I realize what amazing family I have. The moments shared will definitely become part of retelling the time we came for my parents 50th anniversary and my cousin’s 50th birthday (both amazing functions).

Yet more than anything else, it is with gratitude and love that I see now that my extended family ensures we get together more often, share more laughs, more moments to think about so we have more memories together. I am truly blessed to have people in my life who wish to be part of it and who go above and beyond to ensure that our loved ones have the best things in life.

Already the sunlight glances off the keyboard, and I am struck with London’s beauty but more than I am grateful for these amazing moments.

Almost all hourly employees know about overtime and their meal breaks, how I am often surprised at how many employees are not aware about rest breaks, meal break violations and what the penalties are for employees who fail to provide you with these breaks appropriately.

You may not employ an employee for a work period of more than five hours per day without providing him/her with a 30-minute unpaid meal break. You owe the employee one hour of pay if the employee is unable to take one or more meal breaks.

You must also give non-exempt employees an opportunity to take a 10-minute paid rest break for every four hours worked, or major fraction thereof.

If one or more meal breaks or one or more rest breaks are not given, you owe the employee one hour of pay for any missed meal breaks and any missed rest breaks for a maximum of two hours per day.

The additional pay for a missed meal or rest break must be included in the employee’s next paycheck.