Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

My Personal Blog. I am an attorney practicing in Civil Litigitation, Employment Law and Family Law
Brownness

Left Behind

Sanjay Sabarwal

maxresdefaultThe past few days have been a whirl. I came back from MITT, (Miitraining.com) with swirling thoughts and desires, and the realization that I have lots of work to do emotionally. I went in expecting not much, and came back with a desire to love the world. It’s a feeling I had before in High School and College, and to some extent in law school, but now its come back renewed. I believe that if I am not improving myself, I am stagnating. If I am not moving, I am drowning.  Too often, I made excuses NOT to do something when instead when I was younger, my response was always yes. I don’t know when I changed. I don’t know when I left the old me behind. I miss him. The one who dove in. The one who took on challenges. The one who loved unconditionally. The one who knew what other needed or desired and worked on getting it for them. Do I  miss all of me? No. There is a lot of me I am glad is no longer there, but in the process I also lost some precious things so I commit to working on those. I need me. To those this all sounds like some mushy gooey “we are the world” type shit, I say so what? What does it matter as I long as I believe in it.

This past week. I watched others with new lenses, and in some, I saw how much pain I had caused them or was causing. It’s a wake up call. I can no longer afford to just complain or whine about how life is. It is my creation, and today I choose to create a better me.  I am scared shitless, but I also know if I don’t dive in, the old me will be lost forever, and that is not something I am willing to accept. I am a writer. I am a family man. I am in shape. I have great relationships with loved ones. That is my vision, and the old me could handle all that, so back to it I go.

Wish me progress, no wish me to be the way I used to be.

Brownness

The Walk

Sanjay Sabarwal

DogWalkingSlightly gloomy morning. Eyes open automatically. Bella’s licks me upon seeing me. Time for her walk. For her, our morning routine is paramount. The WALK.  Nothing else matters to her at the moment. I envy that dedication. She won’t leave me alone until finally I grab the leash. Her palatable excitement at seeing me grab that thing always makes me smile. Most days, she will bite at the lease, as if to say “come on, come on.”  This walk is our time. The route is usually the same. I see the same houses, she pauses at the same grass to sniff, then hover over the grass and squeeze a few drops of pee.  A daily routine that would be boring to others, but for me, that time is MY time with Bella. The rest of the time she is my wifes.

I dont know when I decided to start walking Bella. It kinda grew out of concern that she wasn’t getting much exercise. I never realized how much would I enjoy this morning time. It became the time I got to watch her revel in what the day offered. As I prayed, I also found a sense that this just felt right. It fit. Are there days that I think I probably look ridiculous walking a white maltipoo in sweat pants and earphones on? Yes. Do I care? No. It’s become a time for me reflect about the prior day, relive conversations or think about my writing all the while taking in Bella’s utter happiness of being outside. We both do our own thing, but somehow it’s a shared experience. We both get something out of it, a pleasant surprise. One of the new times, I am not trying to achieve something, just being.

The best part is always at the end when I let her off the leash. She runs around in circles on our lawn, running so fast that it looks like hopping. She truly reminds me of rabbit at that moment. She runs a few times, looks at, dares me to chase her and when I do, she rushes back home, each step a bounce. Hers or mine? I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter, the walk worked for both of us.

Myself, Preeti, Writing

Lost Time

Sanjay Sabarwal

downloadWoke up at 730 am even though I woke up every few hours with the anxiety of an early interview as well as thoughts of what my life had become. Tossed and turned, each time closing my eyes then reaching for the phone only to discover only fifteen minutes had passed. Torture. I really wanted to get up and write first thing in the morning, but then the dog crawled up on to me. Bella knew I had a long day so didn’t want me to make her walk the first sacrifice of the day.  So off we went, me doing my prayers and her sniffing and pausing every so few seconds to straddle over dried dog shit ever so carefully so she could make it shitty all over again.  And then I had to meditate because that was a carefully crafted morning ritual then flossed (so far doing well on the New Years Resolution), then getting ready. A quick kiss to my wife and off I went.  A sudden craving for Starbucks and after all that I barely manage to get to work at 9:01am.  And then as I sit here, it hit me. I didn’t do the one thing that I think about every single day which is work on my writing.

My Nanowrimo novel patiently waits in my library. The 50,001 words know or hope that I will get to them. So far I am on page 9 of 25o. The revision is going excruciating slow. Then I also remember committing to a family friend that I would submit a short story that I revised by end of the month because that’s the one step I have never taken. So the lost time keeps building up. I lose time constantly, and it’s filled with regrets of things I should have said or done. A very important relationship in my life hangs precariously closing to shutting down because we cannot seem to find the time to figure things out. And so the time passes, and with each moment I feel a little less sure of myself, a little more lost, and then finally filled with regret.

I hope I do better tomorrow.

Family, Myself

First Post of 2015 and resolutions

Sanjay Sabarwal

New-year's-resolutionsStill seems strange to say that. We are in the future, yet in some ways it just feels like another mundane monday.  On this 19th day of the new year, I am sure some have already given up or others are going forward. I made some resolutions, and while I am holding strong on some, there are others that I have not started on yet. I promised myself a year of giving more, improving my handwriting, being more present in the important relationships in my life, and a few others. Some resolutions remained the same: Keep working out (now on to 6th week of crossfit), keep writing (editing my novel), keep my loved ones close (succeeded at some and failing at others).  The theme in all of these resolutions is to be a better me. Will I fail?absolutely. Have I failed? You betcha.  But will I give up? Hell fucking no. Each is a lesson that there is a better Sanjay out there. There are times I fail to see it, and other times others remind me. I am surrounded by people who will not let me wallow in grief or be less than the person they know I can be. It can be empowering, but also intimidating.  It can sometimes feel overwhelming, to the point I wonder sometimes what others see in me. Yet with each fall, I get back up (cue Rocky Music).

I write this in my writing room, made possible by the beliefs of others. My wife, for actually providing all the tools to make it a writing room, my family for allowing me to get to know words, and my friends for reading them. It’s a humbling feeling to  have so many who help me move forward even when I stumble constantly. I do wish I fell less, and it’s why these resolutions have become more and more important. I am no longer content just going going through life, dreaming. I want to make it a real life.

So this year, less talk, more doing. Less material goods, more giving. Less promises, and more achieving. Wish me luck. I am gonna need it. 😉

Family

Thankful Amongst Other Things

Sanjay Sabarwal

Yesterday. as the kids tore into their presents and the adults eagerly awaited their turn, I looked around and noticed the smiles that abounded. I could not help being amazed at how many of us were there. From cousins, to in-laws, to cousin in-laws, it was a maelstrom of personal relationships. Between the torn gift wraps, and the squeals of the youngest ones, I saw truly how lucky I am to be in the family I have.  We truly enjoy each others company.  Each and everyone one us can spend hours with each other and not think anything of it.  We often joke that to outsiders it much look a bit surreal how much we enjoy each other presences. It wasn’t always like that. We went through our trials, our fights, arguments, disagreements (we still do), but I think it was the recognition that we love each other.

We also were not always together. Due to various constraints, we lived in different countries for several years, until finally we all came together in 1984. More than anything, that distance made us yearn to be together, and when we did, instead of dissipating, it grew stronger. After my sisters and I reunited with our parents, we managed to get others to come as well from cousins to parents siblings. We grew from the five of us to husbands, wives, cousins, in-laws, and the more that came, the more our hearts swelled. It struck me that we were quite lucky, and for that I am thankful.  Then I got a beautiful wife with a generous heart and soul, and one who transitioned into our family seamlessly.

Then take, for instance, my sister Sumita. She often tells others she is my second mom (for good reason, she is), and is the person the family relies on to solve problems. Not only is she the CEO of the business, I would contend she is the CEO of the family. Most often, both are intertwined.  Her generosity and love for us has allowed us to traverse some very rough waters.  Although love follows us everywhere, we are also very good friends with disease. Each time we prevail, I marvel at the strength my family shows, and also at the love that keeps us going. In my long-winded way, I am just thankful that I have so much besides. There are times I don’t feel like I deserve it, but I do hope to pass it on. It’s the least I can do.

Myself

Social Media Addiction

Sanjay Sabarwal

no-facebookAnother week ends, and the end of 2014 is around the bend. Thoughts of what I started out with now resonate with what I actually ended up doing. I now realize that I need to set more goals, more ways to help others, more ways to write, more ways to be better than the Sanjay the year before. I experimented with various things this year, but one of the most fulfilling ended up being when I took a fast from Facebook. I realized that it represented my life in a way where I spent too much criticizing others or how they could live their  life better when, in fact, the only person that matters is what I do with myself. So I think slowly I am going to disengage from social media where the conversations are all on the surface. Everyone has an opinion, and that’s great for them, but for me, personally, I want to see what I can contribute to this world as opposed to what I can take from it.   Yet it’s also addictive. I catch myself constantly checking what others are saying. Grimacing at some (most of the posts), as well as enjoying others. I am like a rat doping myself continually on the pleasure centers, foregoing nourishment and mental health.

Yes, that, too is a an opinion, but one I don’t need to share with others constantly. I see a “holier than thou” attitude in myself that I don’t care for.  I took this journey for myself so I can be better for the people who are important to me. That does not include what I feel others should be feeling or thinking. It’s hard not to get caught up with that when you begin checking as frequently as I have. So I think I will begin working on that. It is a will power thing. I find myself with a lot of excuses as to why I cannot do another fast so for now, I think I will do what I did last time which was delete the app from my phone.

Wish me luck. Lets see how long I can last 🙂