Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

On Saturday, I was asked what my favorite moment has been with Zyan, and I realized I lied or more accurately I have a woefully inadequate answer. I should have simply said “All of it.” Each and every second with Zyan has been an opportunity to grow, to learn, to feel my heart expand, to exchange smiles with my wife when we both catch each other admiring him, to changing his diapers to his whining when he doesn’t want to be put down.

All of it. From the smiles to the tears, to the bumps, to the walks to the park, or up the hills. I am more and more determined to be the fittest version of myself for him. Not ego. Not for me. For him. I get to be around for as long as possible and in a meaningful way so he can continue to teach me. From sports to chess to a million other things I never thought to try because I was afraid or ignorant. No not for him. All of it. We get to do all of it.

Being there for his first minutes to the 1st birthday. All of it. Continuing onwards, I want to be present for it all. Each day he manages to teach me something new. I also learn now how to be a husband AND a father. Mother and son (and dog) makes us a family of 4. So my favorite moment is Zyan. All of him. I can’t wait to see what destination we reach on this journey of life.

Some more firsts, and it helps that its so close to Zyan’s birthday as he has lit up our lives in so many ways that it becomes hard to remember life without him. A busy weekend where it seemed all we did was marvel the time we have with him as he was surrounded by friends and family. Where ever he went, a light followed up, and the eyes and hearts of so many, blessing him for his very first Diwali. I shared this video with so many because its ideas resonated with my deeply. I am constantly in battle with my ego versus others, and I know it does not serve me well. When I allow that demon to possess me, I cannot think beyond myself.

Zyan coming into my life has made me realize that his Diya makes me heart brighter, lighter and full of love for others. And now we have his birthday to look forward to, and now the year end will mean even more to us. We are so blessed for the family and friends we get to spend the holidays with, but now are just brimming with gratitude that we have added to that circle with our Zyan, our little king of our hearts.

This past week has been a mishmash of good and bad reminders. A dear friend is yet again in the hospital, and another experienced some scary symptoms which enforced for me the need for balance in one’s life. I tend to over reward myself when I do something good like eating till my stomach feels like an additional appendage, or justifying not making alternative choices when I cannot attend the gym. With the added stress of being a solo practitioner, it has become crystal clear to me that I can only ignore or deny only so many missteps with my health. With age and parenthood come constant instances for chances of being mindful, of recognizing whats truly going inside me, of not giving myself (and those dear to me) a pass simply because it feels easier. I want all my loves to be around for as long as possible.

And then I had a great reminder in celebrating the birthday of a truly kind soul. Megha is the type of person who randomly will text me to ask me how I am doing. I admit, at first, I was taken aback as I assumed she was just my wife’s friends, but over the years, it’s become clear that she is a staunch supporter of those she cares for. In her own unassuming way, she’s managed to not just become a friend, but someone Zyan will call and see as family. Quite a feat considering the size of both of our families, but then again, not a surprise when one considers how thoughtful her words, actions and gifts are. She makes you feel heard and seen. Those in her life are also fiercely guarded of her heart and genuine nature because it’s not often someone so true to you comes along. Happy 40th Megha!

And then of course, today is our first child Bella’s 15th birthday. She was my gift to my wife when I proposed to her, and 15 years later, she has borne witness to all the milestones in our lives. It’s surreal and touching to see her interact so calmly with Zyan. As much as I bitch and moan about taking her for walks, or picking up her treats, I truly cannot imagine a life without her in it. Happy Birthday Bella!

And then we were done. First Halloween with Zyan in the books, and our hearts couldn’t be fuller. As much as he hates putting on clothes (maybe he’s a former nudist), Zyan took on two costume changes like a champ. At first, we were the pirate family and of course, he was the star for the night, and then dear friends gave us another surprise costume that stole my heart as he became a boxer. As a huge Rocky Fan, and having the same lip as Stallone, the costumer immediately had an impact on him, but seeing Zyan huge toothy grin just made me utterly, simply, stupendously, delirously fall in my love wth my son.

Each moment with him has become one of practicing gratitude in as his mere presence just brings us so much joy. Neither of us can stop smiling. He is the reason to be the best version of ourselves. Each morning I watch him play, and it feels as if my heart gets bigger with time. Promises, visions, experiences pop up in my head as I am determined for him to experience as much as possible. I grew up lucky in many ways, but immigrating to a new country as a 12 year posed some unexpected challenges like never learning a team sport that would build a foundation of grit, confidence, and the easy feeling of having people who share similar experiences.

The past weekend became again a time of cousins spending time together, making me wish impatiently to see how their relationship will bloom into a true friendship like mine and my wife’s did with our extended family. Celebrating my brother in law’s birthday, and seeing all of us getting into the spirit of dressing up added yet another level of joy I didn’t expect.

And so I enter today with a heart, mind full, ready to take on what the legal challenges of my work!

Yesterday while walking Zyan alongside Artesia Blvd, I entered into a dream like state as I allowed all the thoughts in my head to crash inside skull like waves, each thought there for a moment, and then receding while another took over. It hit me that there were so many missed opportunities in my work that needed my attention. I declared a lot of things in order to create a solid financial future for my family, yet there was so much low hanging fruit that had not been touched.

With each step came more things to take care of, but not in a worrisome way, as if with the walk came a clarity for how to make it happen. My weighted vest felt light, and as Zyan bobbed his head to the music playing near him, in my head, a list began to form. Declarations are well and good, but without focus and action, they remain unreachable visions in my head. The key is not to make so many declarations that they become overwhelming and disheartening, but they also need to be just beyond my reach to force me to grow and learn.

The walk energized me further. The sky overhead, the buildings nearby, the distant muffled conversations all merged into a singular path forward. Too often, I don’t allow myself the luxury of just letting the mind loose. I get caught up in fear rather than flow even though the latter is what serves me best. Yesterday’s walk became a great reminder of that.

Happy Monday!

And Zyan marches ever so closer to an already year for us with him. Each day a joy because we see him smile, his silly laughter, the way he explores, examines, loves, kisses. and stands. Each thing he does a miracle even though to others it’s probably just normal. Impossible to believe how much joy he brings to the ones in his life. Each time a new family member or friend sees him, a light comes on their faces. And I cannot help just keep repeating Shukar. Shukar. Shukar.

I keep hearing that the times flies fast, and I now know what they mean. We are taking it in, letting him sleep on our chests, snuggling us, not realizing how he has already become a part of us, something that will remain forever. Each holiday already now a bit brighter because he is in them. And I just can feel my heart expand, and I look at her, and we share those moments together because finally, finally we are Papa and Mama.

Nothing can change that designation even though we have been blessed to also be uncle and aunt, mama, and bhua, and even phuparji, all those relationships prepared us for our 11 month old. As I type this, his laughter gurgles around the room. making these words fly out of me because I cannot wait to envelop him, and thank Waheguru for allowing this joy named Zyan.