Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

This past weekend was a celebration for Zyan turning 2 years old (which I still find hard to believe), and if my wife had her way we would celebrate him for the whole month, and for good reason. This little boy has brought so much joy, happiness and gratitude into not just our lives, but our entire family, and our loved congregation of friends, colleagues and acquaintances. He even has me talking in cliches because I truly cannot explain what comes in our mornings where we play, and babble at each other, and then seeing his personality comes through as he learns to communicate (forcefully) whats his needs are,

Each moment still holds a special sparkle, and I cannot help not be able to relate to those who warn me about the terrible 2s because I just find him so darn adorable which makes me the softie parent and unfair to my wife who bears the brunt of his rapid emotional changes. Yet even she cannot help looking at him in amazement because he makes us whole. We cannot hide our joy when we see him interact with the grandparents, his uncles, aunts, cousins, and then others. He’s our own special holiday rom com movie that we just had to give him multiple events to which everyone not only gladly showed up, but spent many hours supporting us in creating moments that will last us a long time.

It’s a good sign when there are far too many names to list in thanking for helping us show Zyan how truly loved he is by all, and how he makes our lives so much better. Happy Birthday again Zyan. Papa (and Mama) love you!

Today is my parents anniversary, and my nephew is about to have yet another surgery for his seizures. Its a day tinged with sadness, worry with a sprinkle of courage and, gratitude. There is a strong temptation to wallow in grief and anxiousness yet that serves no one, and just make a hard day even harder. Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you don’t give breath to these feelings, but making it your only method of surviving guarantees a recipe of wanting to give up.

Acknowledging is the first step, and letting it out the next, but what isn’t okay is letting our fears run the day or the what if’s or could have beens or one of the many bad events that run across the mind. Today is about getting through. Its being around loved ones. Its sharing the feelings, but not letting it define you. Its seeking or accepting support. Its okay to lean on loved ones, for them to reach out and you grab their hand, hug or kiss. Whats makes this harder is going at it alone, not letting others be the ground.

Sharing even this much took a out of me. Fear just around the corner, and grief my constant companion, yet I refuse to let a single day be the template for my fears. Picturing my nephew smiling and revisiting my parents happy moments is the fuel for the day.

Love moves this day forward.

Those close to me that I moved here last year, and I have loved the area and the things there are to do for toddlers. In fact, I’d envisioned staying here for a while, yet in the past few months, there have been some interactions with neighbors that are seriously making me reconsider. Now before I dive into that, we have some wonderful next door neighbors, and I couldn’t but help bragging to friends and family as to what a great neighborhood we have.

So these recent events just shook me. The first which took place a few months back as I was walking my dog. I saw the neighbor out with some workers in front of his yard. Bella, of course, decide that was the time to go, and began to do her business while I pulled out the poop bag to clean up. And then he began yelling “Why the fuck does your dog always shit on my yard.” My instinct was to correct or explain that we havent been around here in weeks, but looking at his face, I knew that nothing I could say would clear up the story in his head. I mumbled an apology while I picked up the shit, and he continued “you know I have killer dogs in my house that will tear your little shit up.” And that viscerally shook me. Shame coursed through me for not saying anything as I picked up Bella and walked away. It took weeks for me to accept that not responding was the right approach.

Then a few days ago, I was out with Zyan and we were walking down the hill. Zyan decided to walk up the stairs at a house and then run down the small hit alongside it on the driveway. His giggles filled the morning air. Then the neighbor came out, and I said good morning thinking he came out to greet us. Instead, he goes “hey I noticed you are letting your daughter (a common mistake due to his fair) run up and down the stairs. She could hurt herself. I nodded yes, and he continues “you dont get it, do you, this is our property.” Hearing that my heart sank, and yet again nodded, picked up my son who yelled to be put down, and walked away.

What kind of world is it that has a problem with a 2 year old running around in joy? Yes the lawyer in me heard heard his concern about liability except thats not what he meant because he also asked if I lived around here. And he didnt invite us in so we wouldnt be entitled to compensation anyway (again my lawyer logic), but it hurt my heart deeply to know I am doors down the street from petty people like this. It’s truly made me reconsider making Fullerton my permanent home even though so much of it has been wonderful.

I hope I feel differently (or get new neighbors)

I love the smell of a blank page, and the blinking icon. The past few years, I have just been sitting and letting my fingers do the talking. A moment pops in my my mind from yesterday morning as I watched Zyan play with this toys. His intense concentration on each piece, and then effortlessly moving onto another as it was completely new just fascinated me. Then it suddenly hit me that I am watching my son play. My son. Words that I didnt think possible, and my eyes filled up. The week had been intense, keeping me busy with a lot of legal work, and then that realization hit as well that Papa would have loved to hear me say that.

In that intense moment, gratitude, sadness and love flooded me, and this is why I love the blank page. Reflecting further, I could say proudly i have come a long way. From doing 5am crossfit class 5 days a week to working on my personal essays, and making sure to spend quality time with my wife and son. To be in support with errands, to acknowledge her hard work with Zyan all day while I am not there. This growth lends itself to a meaningful life. The one thing I dont do is compare myself to others, just my own past efforts and accomplishments. The real competition will always be me.

Yet again, my hands allow me to grow into a better father, husband, son, brother, friend and worker. Its allowing the quiet moments to reflect that can show you how far one has come. Too often, we can just keep looking forward, feeling like that we are behind and not living up to out potential, forgetting that life isnt a video game where only one ending matters, its a continuous puzzle that you get to keep putting together.

Growth means stepping over your discomfort, denial, and desires and going to the land of pushing forward to a different you.