Author: Sanjay Sabarwal

My Personal Blog. I am an attorney practicing in Civil Litigitation, Employment Law and Family Law
Myself, Writing

Fraud

Sanjay Sabarwal

I have this need to be read It’s why I have been writing since I was 16, and I often wonder what makes me want to share with others.  What makes me desire to hear the sentence “I read what you wrote” followed by “I liked/loved/laughed/cried/thought about what you wrote.”  I am open to criticism but I am scared of it as well. My biggest fear is not being liked but being ignored. As if I don’t exist. I write because it makes me feel as I exist. It is the only time that I am the uninterrupted. unadulterated me.

All my life. I have fought this nagging feeling of being a fraud, of feeling that I was meant for something different. The reality is that we are all a bunch of choices.  We are where we are either because of our own choices or others in our lives.  The others count only if your under 18 or just not willing or able to make your own choices. As a Punjabi, its easy to point the finger at my parents, but they didn’t force me to write, or go to UCLA or law school. Those were all my decisions so in a way I need to write to think out loud on paper. I have this need to inflict my opinion others. It’s perhaps the only time I feel as if intellectually I matter.

Yet even my writing is haphazard just like my feelings and thoughts. I have been unable to write something original in a long time. It’s as if I am afraid to really put myself out there or maybe just maybe I don’t have it in me. It is that last thought that drives me crazy. If I am not a writer, then what am I?  It’s the only label I have ever really wanted, and its the only that has eluded me now for over 2 decades.  I often the wonder if the feeling I am a fraud is actually who I am.  That perhaps in some way. my desire to be something other than what others think of me is what drives me?

I don’t know, and so I write even though I feel like a fraud.  IMG_1964

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Myself

One More Time

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cover of "Rocky Balboa"
Cover of Rocky Balboa

 

There comes a time when you have to stop for a moment and ask yourself if this is the life you want.  Doesn’t matter when you do it or how often. For me, it’s been daily as I am not satisfied with where I am.  Maybe that feeling will never go away, and you know what , I don’t want it to. It is that feeling that makes me wake to write in the morning, to read a little something, and occasionally exercise. If I don’t make the time to be accountable for my life and where it is going, then I have no one to blame except myself. Do I fail?  All the time.  But like Rocky Balboa in part 5, I say “one more round” after getting knocked to the ground. I worry about the day I don’t do that. Life will keep punching, and if you don’t respond, you will be lying on the ground in despair. You will be knocked out and living life as if unconscious.  So get up! One more round.  That’s my motto. There’s no easy way out. There is no shortcut home. Bump up “No Easy Way Out” From Rocky 4 to get yourself pumped, and just keep punching.

Giving up is not an option! 

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