Some quiet finally. Zyan’s gone down for his morning nap, and the day and the week loom large in front of me. A deep breath, and all that needs to be done comes rushing at me, and for a moment, it just feels like too much. Another breath. Then another. The heart beat slows. Watching Zyan sleep peacefully on the monitor helps tremendously.
I got this. c
Its been a few weeks since I wrote, and part of the reason is that having a newborn and my recommitment to work and working out leaves me with little else. Except thats not really true either. I have chosen to take on learning more Family Law, also a Pre-Algebra Math Class (to get over my fear of Math and Prep for Zyan), and also new unique cases that are testing my knowledge and skill. And then there is BNI my weekly networking group which contributes so much to my marketing and business skills, and on the weekends, an inevitable birthday, wedding, get together and next thing I know, bam! Its Monday. As my therapist notes, I am flailing around rather than being present and focused.
A guilt also hangs around me as I know I need to do a better job of spending time with my wife. She has quietly taken on the duty of taking care of Zyan, the majority of the day, and so she has to deal with him not wanting to nap, or to be picked up constantly, or taking 30 minute naps that allow her to barely sip her coffee before it turns ice cold. Working remotely has its privileges, but it also makes it hard ignoring her struggles with him, or wanting to rush in and pacify him, knowing thats not the plan we agreed on.
But wait, there’s more. In our busyness as parents, being partners has taken somewhat of a backseat. Being home I take for granted that I know what my wife dealt with through just me hearing it, but thats not the same as being present to it. My need to do it all in a day is no longer serving me. My desire to work out 5 days a week, or spend hours learning are now luxuries that cannot overshadow being present to my marriage.
And so I get to learn to parcel it out, to parse, to break from routine, to lend a ear or a hand or just be here to my partner this Monday. Reacting to self-scheduled goals can no longer be the priority unless I include my wife into them. And just like that, some of the tension releases now that I know what I need to do. It will take time, but again when its worth it, its worth doing.
Gotta go. Zyan just woke up from a 45 minute nap!