It has been a surreal week as I visit my studios, miss the wife, accept the Spartan race is this coming Saturday and get my butt kicked at crossfit. Why surreal? Because I still feel I am not doing enough. I am not present. I am all over the place. I am not writing. I am not being a good husband, friend, brother, son. The list goes on and on. And for a moment, I felt as if I am drowning, and then I take a breath. I start my days with meditation and ground myself.
I am enough. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I cannot control life. I will let people down. I am not defined by my past. Only the present matters.
Each step I take is one towards betterment. Each moment an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are lessons. It is easier to beat myself up then take credit for things. This week, I also decided to not take up a volunteer opportunity because I keep distracting myself. What I get to do is simplify. I get to be there for the ones that matter especially my partner. I get to be present. I get to stop avoiding. I see now that too often I am quick to jump on things and even though noble, they allow me distractions rather than me facing the difficult things in life. I also need to stop enabling, stop the toxicity. I get to take responsibility. I get to not drown.
daily dealing with the feeling of failure. Most times, I see it too late what I could have done differently. I admit, more times than not I go into victim mode, feeling sorry for myself or helpless. I believe what I think others make me out to be. I become the Sanjay who disappoints, who fails, who is selfish, uncaring, who only sees his own pain. Yet all that is my interpretation. It is also easy to do. It is easy to just feel sorry for myself, to blame myself, to say so many negative things to myself. The truth is that no one can say anything worse that I don’t say to myself. I am my own worse critic. Sometimes, it is ok, but more often than not, it can choke me into inaction and uncertainty.