Today, I drove in silence from Artesia to Torrance because the cacophony in my head just wouldn’t allow for any outside noise? A sample: When should I do www.lumosity.com and www.babbel.com? When should I edit my final essay for UCLA Extension writing class? What should we do this week (I really want to take my wife somewhere nice, new and romantic)? How can I save more money? Why won’t XYZ take my advice, and on and on the noise went until I realized that this internal dialogue I was having was only making me feel inadequate. As much as I want to accomplish more in my life, and be better for the ones around me. I have to take pause and congratulate myself for the things I do accomplish. Take today for example. I had a friend call me and thank for me supporting him while he was unemployed. Now he had a job. That’s a real cause for celebration, and shows that people do care.
I had another friend whose mom passed away from cancer. He was with her when she took her last breath. I cannot love this guy enough for his selflessness, and the genuine love he showed me recently when I was in the hospital. In fact, his entire family has shown me nothing but kindness, and love. I will never forget that. So I took a moment to thank both these friends for being in my life. And then I was blessed with a best friend who not only listens to me whine and complain, but also keeps giving me solid advice (which I normally fail to take). Finally. I have a dear friend whose wonderful father is fighting (and I know beating) pancreatic cancer. So what’s my point in all this? That instead of all the random worries I have, I need to take a moment and appreciate and thank for who and what I have in my life. It’s easy enough to say, but quite hard to do, so today I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have done so much for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are" – John Wooden
Words escape me. I am like the prison where I can’t hold them captive. Instead, I am constantly on a state-wide hunt to be able to say something. Yet, I know that’s not true exactly either. I hold one big prisoner: Fear. And in the interrogation room, I question FAITH and BELIEF. I don’t know if I have the actual ability to write more than a few pithy blog posts, and maybe by some luck, a short story. So I sit here on this hard chair in my library surrounded by words of others, waiting for inspiration. But if I am being honest, maybe I am just praying for talent, or maybe I am asking someone out there to get me started.
Either way. I sit here yet again posting about not writing, but hey that’s considered writing, right? What is it they say, if you want to write, write! So here I am pushing out words like dry turds, hoping that at some point I can make real shit. OK, maybe not shit shit, but more like something that is more than just empty words. Yet, I also know that’s not what the real battle is about. Part of writing is being truthful to yourself, and others, but I am not ready to share what is inside me. I am afraid. I am not ready. So I sit here alone, wondering what is it that I want to do with myself. Now that’s a question, I have struggled with all my life. Even at 41, I still don’t know what to do. I don’t mean to suggest I am unemployed, but more that I am uninspired. A lot of things intrigue me, but nothing has come forth that has taken me prisoner. I am free in the worst way possible. I want to be imprisoned, but nothing is holding me back. Not yet anyway. Here’s to hoping, that someday I will be free…
Today starts my efforts to become a different me. Ok, maybe that’s a bit over dramatic. What I mean perhaps is today I begin the process of going back to who I was just a few months ago. I was working, working out, writing, and just all around doing the things that made me who I think I am. A few months ago, something happened to me that radically changed. I don’t mean to be secretive but it is the kind of thing that those close to me know, but is not really information you share with others unless you want sympathy. That’s exactly what I DON’T want so instead I will annoy you with this mini non-explanation. I can no longer work out due to medical reasons. I can walk. That’s about it. For someone like who has always ran ahead without thinking, this usually means torture. Yet, I realize that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. All the directions and signposts I missed while racing, I now I have the time to stroll by to read and learn.
The one thing that did come back to me through this recent trauma. I missed writing. Like bad. The kind of missing that suddenly made me wonder why I stopped in the first place. I have always written when things are bothering me, but reading some of my old posts made me realize that a lot of them were almost vendetta-like. I was more interesting in hurting others or whining than really writing so hopefully that stops. Recently, I have been reading www.zenhabits.com, and one of the suggestions from the site is breathe, and let things flow through, and as my very wise best friend Jemal told me to be a rock and let the stream go through instead of fighting it. So today, I will begin the process of becoming a rock. To breathe. To stay calm. To not worry about the life lost, but celebrate the very wonderful life I do have. Here goes.
