I am holding a casting tomorrow. It might be easier to just have the people who are interested and fit the bill just come in tomorrow. If they can’t make it tomorrow, but available on the shoot day and are interested. They can send me some polaroids.
The house is quiet, the window open and I can actually see my neighbor’s house next door. Funny, in the past 5 years we have barely said hello even though we live 10 feet away from each other. It’s moments like this that makes me realize how much of my world is present to me yet I am absent from it. Reading the book Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron (thank you Santoshi for this amazing gift!) has made me understand that I am have been asleep and letting Shenpa (attachment or being hooked or stuck) rule my world. It’s as if I am all reaction even when I try to slow down. At some point, the apologies have to desist, and real action has to take place. I need to practice the 3 things we all carry: Natural Intelligence, Natural Warmth and Natural openness. I know that there are things I need to do especially towards a few people who have hurt me deeply unintentionally. As much as I talk about real friends and family, I know that I need to have a conversation with those dear to me. I see now that I am pushing them further and further away by not opening up to them and letting them know that I need them in my life. Too often, I have let my ego rule my world, and while it has proven satisfying for the moment, like poison ivy, that satisfaction has spread the rash all over my mind and soul. In my quest for the temporary release, I managed to do some long-term damage that I may never be able to repair.
I have the ready excuse that my wife has cancer, or that I am recent stroke victim, yet I know that I have made this all about my pain and myself in general. Shit happens. Life happens. Get over it. Actually, I don’t mean that in an angry way. I am just tired of fighting, of alienating people, and hurting the people close to me. I see now that I need to be better, do better, be the person I can be. I have let my emotions become me, and that has led to me being even more alone. So I need to follow the 3 steps (easy to describe but extremely hard to do). 1) Acknowledge that I am hooked, 2) Take 3 Deep breaths and lean into the energy, experience and taste whatever it is, take it in the waft of anger, pain, hurt, breathe it in, make love to it, play with it and then Step 3: Relax and Move On. Again, I come back to the realization and advice to STAY PRESENT, BE AWAKE.
It is so easy to drift, to dream, to look at the past, the future but so incredibly difficult to experience the Now. So now my birthday resolution makes sense now because writing forces me to stay present, to observe, to relish the moment, lean in experience it whole-heartedly. But, (and there is always a but). I know now how much I am loved, and how much I have hurt others. However, no more apologies, just being present, using my natural intelligence, warmth and openness can now save me. In other words, be who I am, not what others want me to be.
Sitting amongst the scattered poker chips, with the sun drenching the room as well as my soul, there is a sense of fulfillment that I have not felt in ages. Nothing like a birthday to simultaneously make you feel old as well as loved.
Books sit around me. It’s the second time since I built my library that I am actually writing from here. The light is just dark enough so there is no glare , and I feel a sense of peace. As much as I fought the idea of writing in a closed room, I had dismissed my book palace too easily. Sure, I notice dozens (ok maybe closer to 100) of books I meant to read, others that I have merely perused and then others I have repeatedly broken open. If nothing else, it makes me even more determined to write and read more. To love and be loved more. But most of all, it makes me value my friends and family even more. The ones that matter always seem to appear without needing an official invite. The ones you have to send a card to or constantly ask for a response are just temporary guests in my life, and thus not deserving of my time and attention. If I have to explain to you why you should call or visit me, then perhaps you never were a friend, but a temporary placeholder. A time pass. Thanks for the good times, and the commercial break but now the real program’s starting.
Last night was a culmination of sorts as the many friends and family in my life came together to celebrate not just my birth but a new beautiful new relationship. Not just of friendship and family but of new beginnings, and suddenly nothing seems impossible. In just one day, I was surrounded by so many loved ones, I can’t believe I actually believed/felt alone. So I sit here, bathing in the sun as well my good fortune and suddenly, nothing seems impossible.
Nothing like a birthday and an amazing party to know your real friends and family. Thank you.
I am struggling with who I am, who I want to be and I am nearly 40. That’s the latest mantra in my mind. My desire to be a writer, to be a lawyer, to be truly great at something is getting lost somewhere in the shuffle because I refuse to do the day-to-day. I rather indulge in fantasies like winning a Trillion dollars (who does that?) than sitting my butt down and creating something new. It’s easier to dream and imagine but so much more difficult to create (except for tension).
by Jemal Yarbrough
So I approach being 39 with some dread because I have to answer to myself. I happen to find a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 40 and was disappointed to see that I had managed only 5 out of 50, but then it hit me that the others did not matter to me as much. I need new goals, new things to achieve. Actually, that is a lie, I only have one goal now: to be a published writer. Too often, I have made excuses, too often have I blamed others, too often I sit at this desk and write about wanting to write but then write nothing of value. Too often, and so instead of a new years resolution, I made a birthday one: WRITE.
No matter what. Write. Write lists, write journal, write morning pages, write something, anything. Just keep that pen moving (well in my case fingers over the keyboard). I can’t help feeling like Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon during the mirror sequence. I am surrounded by versions of myself but each of me partially hidden by my image while I look for the elusive antagonist (in this case, The Writer). And with a loud Kiyaaahh, I shall break those mirrors, break what’s holding me back, break into a new kind of Bruce Lee, the kind that kicks ass with words rather than kicks.
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