Myself, Writing

October 17, 2010

Woke up, put my one contact one, opened up my blog, and began writing. No hesitation, no distractions, just me and the words. Small hesitation on what topic to begin, my trip around US or the leaving topic mentioned by Goldberg (I had chosen leaving) and then decided to combine both in a just a second. House was quiet and so was my mind, just the fingers decided for me. Thought alternating paragraphs made sense and then it hit me that I went on my trip few weeks after breaking off my marriage and that was the main reason I went on this trip.

Next hard part was remembering all the places I went so hands started to hesitate and the words slowed but then I called my cousins and a brief conversation added more detail and I realized I need to sit with him and remap the journey, his memory was definitely better memory (considered he had a brain tumor that’s pretty telling).

Although I woke up quite late, i didn’t know this till I finished past the house, I was surprised but thee were a few things that helped. While writing, I started the kettle, made me some coffee, turned on some religious music (meditation type) and for a while I was lost in my thoughts on paper. It has been years since I reached that stage.

Its decided, whenever I wake and before bed I will write, regardless of the time. Ideal is 8am and 10 pm but even i miss those deadlines, I will still write.

Mainly edited what I wrote in the morning, around 10 pm, took an hour but also managed to add 200 more words so perhaps I shall be writing in the morning and editing at night.

Myself

Friday, October 17

A representation of the Lion Capital of Ashoka...
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For once, I jumoed out of bed. No resistance. No complaints. I thought I would be tired but although I was slightly groggy, I managed to drag myself to the other room.

I had gone to bed with ideas swirling through my head, and was actually looking forward to write (a new strange anticipation).

Sat down. Nothing. Saw the clock, promised myself 30 minutes. Tapped out a few words, deleted, tapped few more, deleted some more, tapped few more, glanced at the word count and was dismayed to see a 59 word count and 10 minutes elapsed.

I realized, I was trying to force the words because I want my first work to be about Ziba, but the start is the same. My mom and 2 sisters started Ziba beauty in Little India with a 500 square foot box of a store and a $2000 credit card. I get caught up in describing the initial scene and then nothing. I have to admit to myself that I need a new setting because I have used the same one for so long, it doesn’t even seem real to me.

Worse, my writing time went down. Glanced at clock every 2 minus and instead of 30 minutes, barely managed 15 minutes and compromised by adding another 15 minutes doing this journal.

Still unsure as when I will do the next time. My instinct says to do it twice a day. Once I wake up and once before going to bed, but I suspect that its being vague in order to avoid committing so for now I will commit to myself to write twice a day. Just gotta commit.

Brownness

2000

What can $2000 buy you? Right now, ti can ge you a nice TV, an amazing laptop, a piece of furniture, maybe even a set of washer/Dryer?

But what if that was all the money you had? Could you make your dreams come alive? Could you ignore the worries of the world even you 3 kids and buy a beauty chair rather than food for the 3 scared kids standing beside you? 3 sets of eyes of varying ages looked at Kundan Sabarwal when she decided to create a new roof for us with 2000 pieces of paper.

We all had the story about the beginning numerous time, but I never considered how brave (and desperate) you have to be to sink the last of your earnings into a dream? How do you construct income with just one chair, 500 sq feet?

Brownness

Oregon State Diversity Bollywood dance

Myself

Legendary Acting

John Cena and Mark Henry in an arm wrestling m...
Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know what keeps me in bed nowadays. Today, I woke up at 7am and instinctively I was like oh hell no, and tried to get back on the dream train, but I had missed the stop. Instead, last nights movie (legendary starring John Cena, yes the wrestling star) played a trailer in my head, and I realized that not many people knew I wrestled in high school. Only for 1 year and I lost every single match, which led me down the path that I also played junior high volleyball but I was on the Junior Varsity team. I had the urge to be part of team sports and had dredged up enough athletic ability to actually make the team but not enough talent to be any sort of meaningful contributor.

There was a particular wrestling match, I remember. I had lost 7 matches, and I was pitted against someone who had 8, had in fact not won any in 2 years (found this out later), and we went the full time and I lost by a decision by 2 points. My closest defeat was to someone who had never won. Telling in some ways of my life for the things I want.

I woke up today and I realized that I want to be married and have kids already. I am 38 years old and divorced, a broken engagement and currently in a 3 plus year relationship to a truly beautiful girl, and I am starting to feel like the old wrestling me. Yet, there was a moment in the movie where at the end, the main character goes against someone 26-0 and manages to lose by 1 point in a decision. Yet the defeat was met with cheers and hugs from the audience because the long-lost brother was the coach who happened to be a wrestling superstar.

Right now, I feel like the lil brother, and my family as the superstar, and preeti my match to lose yet still win in life. A fact that has become more important every day after my recent stroke which made me realize, I don’t want my current life anytime, I want the one I have been dreaming about. Perhaps that’s why my body wont let me sleep anymore. Its’s time to stop dreaming and start acting.

Myself

dream

The UCLA Store
Image by maveric2003 via Flickr

Purposely woke up later even though my body claimed it was far past 8am, yet when I opened my eyes, it was 8:06. Had a bit of rev old from body. Feeling exhausted after writing, feems passion took over the hek]lms for a few days but exhausted me from doing anything else. Not good so I listened to the voices and slept another hour, a restless 60 minutes but still longer than normal. Feeling slightly guilty and devoid of any words. Time passes. Got more sleep but have less words.

Started going through my twitter account, and saw a name from UCLA and suddenly I remembered I had a dream about this person last nigh. He was a heavier than I remembered, outlandish glasses (think from the old movie NERDS) and he was soaking to a classroom while I sat in the corner near the door facing the class. He asked a question, and I raised my hand and everything laughed while an unlit cigarette tried to cover my reddening face.

Hear a bird outsude and watch my dog perk up its ears as hearing a conversation but quiet surrounds us, and no words are formed here or in my life. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, today is my first day back at my house after staying with my parents for 2 weeks and it strikes me that I am much more comfortable there, and more like myself that is why the words come. But I am 38 years old now and really do need to grow up.

Hear an airplane and think to myself, I really do need to clean up around here, and as promised to my girlfriend I would put the hookah away (no more smoking!) and I am well aware that I am digressing, letting the problems of the world take over rather than focusing on the page ahead of me,

Finally, got up and picked up some of the trash as it was bothering me and I realized that the house needs to be in some semblance of lam before I can write. Today, unfortunately was a bust so lets see what tomorrow brings…