Month: July 2008

First time in a while I let go of someone willingly and not regret it with either pain or sadness.  It was an acceptance of the new reality I am feeling today in my life.  First time, I did not try to make the other person feel my emptiness at their being gone because for once it is not there.  It is acceptance really of knowing that person really just fulfils you, that a few hours, a day, maybe a week without them wont weaken me may perhaps even make me stronger. 

Sure, I miss those moments still, but for once its without the ache of bitterness or insecurity.  Its just a wistful image of the great times you have with that person, and for now all seems ok in life. Of course, I cant pretend that it will last forever, but I hope to learn so I can keep having more moments like this.  Sharing a great night friends and family does that to you now I realize.  I made only 1 person the judge of my emptiness, but surrounded by others made me realize there are other ways to handle loss. 

Sure the day was incomplete without her, I cant lie about that but today it didnt feel like the end of my life or my personality.  Infact, it seemed like yucky medicine that makes you better anyway.  So yes I feel ill without her, but now time apart seems to be a healer of sorts.  Now I just look forward to holding her in my arms, cherishing her laugh, but most of all just touching the love I have finally gotten from a soulmate.

Who would have thunk it, an actual happy monday.  Tiring but refreshing all the same.

Its been a while since I posted, and I wish that I had something new to say.  Not a new way to say it but just something new and unannounced.  Instead, its just a different variation of how crappy my life is, and how I bad I feel, and I actually am sick of myself.  Quit the whining already, man! Suck it up!  And the list goes on but the feelings stay the same. 

But I will soldier on. Better save my energy for the battles to come, rather that throwing up on here.  Have a good weekend

how what was so easy now becomes an obligation.  What was just air to breath now feels like poison.  What were unhurried gaps in time now just feel like something to be measured, and prove that it can be done.  When did it get so hard?  As a friend put it, life happens, but what was it before, a fantasy?  How can 2 people who could read each other so well now cant see each others emotions or feelings?  Is that life? Progress? Or mere egotism at its best? 

God, stop with the questions already I say.  Look for the answers, but then am I asking the right questions or am I just skewing just so I can get to hear what I want to hear? Again, I end with that,  Time and time again I crash against the rocks of questions, and the waves of questions keep coming.  My quest for answer has become a meaningly natural phenomena.  Its pretty to look at, but thats about it. 

I look at these words, and what seemed to make sense now just seems a jumble just like my emotions.  What was so clear between us is now muddled with family, pain, expectations and worst of all lack of understanding. 

A strange day today.  For the first time in a while, I worked and got the things I needed to do done, but going home now feels to be a chore because I dont think I can fix what is wrong there.  And so I go back to hope, faith, and prayer, my 3 old friends. 

I have nothing else left.

I hate the awkwardness after a fight.  What was carefree and simple before becomes exaggerated and stiff.  Its like one has to fake being normal until something in our heart kicks us in gear.  I hate that period because you get to wondering when you will get to that magic moment when all is right in moment, where the laughter and the questions arent forced but genuinely following that person’s heart? 

As much as I hate fighting, I hate the making up even more for the above reasons.  I know its unreasonable to expect to everything to revert as if we went through a time portal, but then my expectations about love are probably different from others.  I know when I am spent from a fight, I just want to be ok, and I want to comfort the other person. 

The main fear I have after the fight is tthat he fakeness can lead to more fights, more exhausation, more worry is this really going to work out? And it is just plain tiring. How many time can we someone use their brain as a punching bag for insecurities, anger, sadness and just fear? I was down for 10 count, but before it got there, I am back up.  And I am going to fight to make sure I dont fight.  I dont want a life full of pain especially when I have someone who is my joy and love. 

So my mid year resolution.  Accept life as it is.  Expect nothing but relish everything.  Pain is but a sympton not the cause.  I can do better, and will do so.  So on the 4th of July, I free myself from fight, and endeavor to fight for my relationship.  Yea, yea I get the contradiction, but if I am going to fight no matter what, it better be for the right damn reasons. 

Happy 4th.  A year ago it wasnt for us, but maybe just maybe this weekend will erase that desperate fight to survive society.  Just maybe.

Sometimes, I wonder if a partnership is just taking on the other’s pain, and accepting nothing in return?  Or is that love? or a favor? or being a friend? The last few days have surprised me in who has been there for me, and the ones I thought would be are strangely silent.  Or maybe I just killed their voices with my constant falls?

And so again, I am alone or I think I am until I talk to others who force their way past that iron wall, and say hey I am here, are you ok? Your not alone.  And strangely it hurts, because its not the familiar partner you expect, but someone else who feels your emotions.  And you wonder I made a mistake, and yet others feel like its their problem, and need to make you feel every second of that stupidity? It sounds like human nature.  ” I am too hurt” to see your pain.  And vice versa.  And so on that circle continues, and I begin to think that perhaps the problem is me.  Maybe I feel too much for too long, and dont allow others to feel that, or maybe because I can express that pain, somehow it makes it ok for others to pile on some more? 

I have a problem.  Of saying sorry , admitting my mistakes too readily, and constantly trying to see the other side.  Maybe it makes me a good lawyer but more rightly a lousy listener.  Contradictory perhaps, but I am so ready to see the other’s pain or reasoning, I forget myself.  Except in these words, but somehow whats left is me being that person to vent to another, especially the ones you wish to share with.  And so althought the words are here on this page, they still feel lonely because I am.  The ones that could take that way too much in pain, and I too ready to consider that to want to disturb them. 

So here I go on, hoping the words give me some shape even though I am hollow inside.  But somehow full with pain. 

But I digress…