Month: June 2008

I dont know about you, but to me coping lately means just waiting, and hoping and praying and eh you get the idea.  But I do wonder, am I the only that does this or are there are others like me too smart to expose themselves yet quietly sniggering or agreeing as they read my consistently whiny tone?  Its been a day of discomfort of the knowledge that the chair I sit on is in fact a back of a turtle moving me oh so slowly from reality, and what seemed to be looking at a monitor was in fact a hazy illusory dream.  Huh?  Make sense?  Thats the question, I asked at the end of each day, and each moment, and each part of my life.

What can I count on?  Disillusion or the illusion that I am making progress?  Either way, I stand still, and just cope. 

Dont know where the day went.  Heart pumping, head burning, and repetitive pain just running through my soul.  What did I do to deserve such a long life trial?  Do I not bleed if knifed? I thought I had climbed to the top only to discover that I had just reached the base.  How much longer can I keep this up?  How long is patience? How long tribulation? How long this uncertainty?  I feel like I have lbeen eft at the cross roads of life, never to get on the proper road, always trying to just figure out the directions. 

Lost faith back a few signs back, and now losing hope fast. 

Why do feelings and events conspire together to make what seems to be a great day on paper, is in actually a fiction of my imagination?  Food I normally inhale turns into stale mud in my mouth, and each breath belabors the patheticness of my life.  And then anger crashes the party, and all bets are off.  For that brief moment, I attempt to conquer my life, not realizing that I am just rushing through empty wind.  I will end up where i started: alone.  And thats the real fear.  Alone.  One simple word, all lonesome.  And it describes me perfectly. 

Who Knew?

So despair, you win today’s battle, but your little conspiracy isnt going to last long.  I wont let it.  I will vanquish you one day, my little friend.  We may have become close, but you werent meant to last forever.  Another day, my friend, another day. 

And alone, I havent forgotten you, your day is coming too..

It almost feels like I am getting the fuzzy picture, and instead of just random guessing, I can almost use the pieces to make a coherent statement.  It’s just one of those days, where each thing falls into your life, and your time almost makes sense.  Instead of puzzlement, clarity nags around the corner.  Atleast, thats how I feel today.  I received little bits of contentment in all aspects of my life, from decorating my house, to my beautiful girlfriend, to accomplishing in my new legal career.  Wow, instead of actually dressing up those words, it was just enough to expose them here. 

And then there was silence…

Thoughts Swirling, but the heart still.  I play act at being unconcerned, yet filled with a cauldron of hurt.  Cant overturn it, just watch it helplessly bubble over onto life’s floor.  I look down at it, and wonder am I the only one that can see it?  From a distance, I seem to dilligently work away at the laptop, and a closer look finds the true traitor.  Words spit out, but with no substance.  Thoughts swirl around and flush away in the toilet of my soul.  But still I sputter on.  Maybe action will keep me being mindlessly still.  After all, work can be a reward, right? Right???

And yet I plod on, and glimpses of a useless future dance in front of me.  And I pause, take a deep breath, and begin the cycle all over again.  It’s what I do best.  Get kicked, go down, and get back up again.  Maybe it takes time but I do get up.  How do you think I can sit on this chair and type these words, my dumb legs got me here.  Maybe thats it.  Maybe I am must too dumb to get it.  Maybe I should be smart for once, and just lay there in the wasteness of self-pity.  Just let it suffocate me into stillness.  Sounds good but for a small nano second. 

And then reality bitch slaps me.  No can do.  That isnt me, its just my day. 

Not much to say but still feel the need to say something.  I mean, I have a loyal audience of two that needs to be entertained (2 including me).  Um yea, so day 2 of being a lawyer, and so far the enthusiasm has not worn out, and insecurity is wearing out its welcome.  So here’s hoping the Lakers dont suck too much, and for me to actually have a complete day.  So far so good [looks around cautiously]. 

Another day murdered, but for once the perpertrator can be found.