Brownness

Again?

Monday came again, and left me perplexed in its dust.  What is it about me that just gets to people?  I often wonder what I have done to upset acquaintainces or close friends when my intent is quite the opposite.  I used to repeat incessantly that the path to hell is paved with good intentions, but each contact with certain people makes me realize that I may be better off just pretending they dont exist.  Its as if some just exist to point out every flaw they think I have or perhap give me new ones.  Others are there to always be right no matter what the situation.  And still others love to know about life so they can somehow feel better about themselves. 

Its when this happens again and again that writing about is as inane as farting.  Both may seem like I am doing something but in fact, they just stink.  Or maybe perplexity is my new cloak to hide my arrogance or more likely I am just too dumb to realize that people dont like me. 

Oh well, another week begins, lets hope I dont piss off too many people. 

Brownness

Thursday

Beginning the day slowly, cranking out the procastination for a bit then hope to head to some sort of work mode soon.  Pretend smile on, check. Pretend email, check. Pretend, know what I am doing, double check.  And so the cobwebs creak around in my head. And maybe a little clarity might come through soon.  But so far, the dream is still alive.  8 hours ago, I opened up this page, and I realize that I am being a miser with words perhaps because I am such a slut with my feelings. 

Then the window opens up,and all that I was holding in, breathes out, and a new day suddenly seems to be a strong probability rather than a possibility.  Today, was a mixed day, but one thing was memorable, its been 16 months since I found a part of my heart, and I hope to hold on to that as long as I can.

The little smiles we shared today, stayed in the digital camera of my brain because we have atleast these times to realize that what we are doing isnt wrong in any way.  Everything with her felt absolutely perfect or maybe just always have been and I have been in selfishness’s cloud too long.  Or vice versa… But the day began with a smile, and is ending with laugher.  Not much more I can ask for.

Well, a small prayer for my little brother always 🙂 I love you, Gurjit